I just went through the exhausting process of helping my dad sell the family home and downsize to an apartment. It was entirely his idea and I applaud the decision he made at the right time, before an age-related crisis forced changes. However I cannot support the fact that he has moved to a city flat which is not suitable for his living conditions. He is 80 years old, but in his mind there is still a “city man” who is thinking about the active city life in a place where he does not belong.
His overall health is good and he is clearly an adult capable of making his own decisions. But I’m just worried that he has unrealistic expectations of what his future will be like as he gets older. I am the only support of his family, so I only know when things go wrong I will have to pick up the pieces. He is never willing to talk honestly about these topics and makes jokes about it when I try. Why can’t he move to a retirement community and stop this self-defense and denial of his true status and life situation as an elderly person? There is no shame in accepting the truth, and there is dignity in accepting your fate with grace. Help me help him see this!
Eleanor says: You asked your last question in a very sloppy way but let me answer it. Why can’t he move to a retirement village? Maybe because he doesn’t want until it’s absolutely necessary. I do not find this issue difficult to understand.
One day in the not too distant future, he may not be able to support himself. If that was close to you, would you rush to speed it up? Would you like to be done with what could be your last years of living the way you want – in the city, in an apartment, independently?
You say you have vague ideas about the future, but it also sounds like you’re trying to make the most of the present.
You are right that he will get very old, he may not be able to stand up from here. I know how hard it is to pack and take care. But an acorn is not an oak tree. The fact that this life might not work doesn’t force him to leave it now.
It would be different if there were signs that she couldn’t take care of herself anymore, but you said she’s fine (and since you haven’t said anything, I’m guessing no are there hazards in the apartment such as stairs or a shower in the bath). His age means nothing in itself these days. I know 90-year-olds who live independently, 65-year-olds in full-time care and 80-year-olds who swim long distances in the ocean or go on multi-day hikes. You’ll need chutzpah and a good parry if you want to tell them they should be in a retirement village. People in their 80s and 90s don’t have to act like they’re done with everything, until they’re done.
What I heard in your letter was frustration and exhaustion because of how far you are falling. Selling and downsizing is a big job for you. It will be another big job if he has to move again or needs more involved care. It’s natural to feel frustrated and tired and sad just doing this for your dad – being your parent.
Another answer is to confirm that you are the only source of help, and the caregiver’s frustration that he will not change his life in order to create a lower care burden. One is that he keeps his life the way he wants, and together make sure that you are not the only one who supports this. The level of care may be greater in the second case, but it doesn’t have to fall on you all. It can be very helpful to ask for help, for you as well as for her – caring for the elderly is hard work but there are tools she can access to distribute the work differently. It may also help if you make the discussion about this type of help one that brings you peace of mind rather than the inevitable decline.
Although it will be difficult for you to manage the changes as your father ages, try to remember that it is difficult for him. You said there’s no shame in accepting the truth, but there’s not much fun in it either. Few of us feel comfortable with the quiet process of losing our mobility or memory in our decline and death. It won’t help either of you, if that conversation comes, if he feels like you’re beating your watch while you wait.
The reader’s letter is edited for length.
Ask Eleanor a question
Do you have a conflict, a crossroads or a crisis that you need help with? Eleanor Gordon-Smith will help you think through life’s questions and puzzles, big and small. Your questions will be kept anonymous.
#80yearold #father #uncertain #future #move #retirement #village #Leading #questions